I started out by posting on facebook if anyone would be willing to share a personal struggle with me and answer a few questions. I knew that it was a long shot, because in today’s society everyone keeps to themselves. But I had one brave soul reach out to me and I began by asking her these questions;
1.What struggle or struggles have you encountered?
2. What have you learned from your struggles?
3. How can your struggles help you?
4. What is your advice for someone else struggling?
5. Was there a time you did not think you could get past your struggle?
This woman, who will remain anonymous, poured out her heart to me. It is something that needs to be out there, because it could help a lot of others. The following is what she wrote me back;
“Your struggles are how you grow. I know that seems strange, but be it a small obstacle, or a huge wall in your way, it is still a struggle, a decision…do I turn right or left, how is this choice going to impact the rest of my life. My life was hard from the time I can remember. I feel that my ma protected me from as much of the pain and the hurt as she could, but some of the pain remains so deeply imprinted on my very core. I feel the pain of childhood trauma, and I realize there is many who just say get over it, but sometimes it isn’t that easy. Yes it happened so many years ago, but the young child, the little girl, is still inside, still screaming out for someone to help her. I have gone to counseling, I have been in many survivors groups. I know that the counseling helped. I feel uncomfortable in group settings, I tried many times. The best thing I find is to journal. My lifeline is my journal. I have written one from a young child. Hidden thoughts. Pain, joy, scared, my journal doesn’t judge me. When I was younger I read and read, losing myself in a book, any book. I wish I could just tell every child out there, life gets better, that the fear and feeling of never being good enough goes away. Life can get better, and yes every day you need to make the choice to just make it through the day, a day becomes a week, a week becomes a month, a month becomes a year. I never thought I would make it through the pain of the abuse, but I did. I would tell anyone to not suffer in silence, tell someone, and if they don’t listen, talk to someone else, and it doesn’t have to be a secret, stomped down and pushed down, strangling you, minute by minute. Talk to a friend, a teacher, a neighbor. Talk until someone listens. So yes, struggles make you who you are, how you grow, but some struggles just seem so big of a wall that you cannot face it alone. Find someone, talk to someone, and write your thoughts and fears down. It does help. It is just for you. No one reads my journal, I used to hide it. Once you get to be my age, I can leave it where ver you are sitting and writing, yup, I still journal, it is my life line. Childhood trauma still comes back and haunts me, the feelings just don’t disappear, but you find ways to cope. Don’t let the person you fear win. I didn’t think I could make it through, hiding the pain, I have felt the despair of do I want to feel this way and struggle everyday with this feeling of being a waste of space, but then I think of my babies, and I realize I did do a couple of things right. I can’t be a waste of space if I can make two wonderful souls like I have and I make it through one more day, week, month, and next thing you know a year. Just take it day by day, the days add up. You remember that you are not a waste of perfectly good air, and you talk to someone. Write down your thoughts and feelings. It may be hard to start that, but it will get easier. You may find, like me, your journal becomes your best friend. But my advice is people of any age is to talk, to let your story out. Don’t blame yourself for things out of your control. It is hard to do, oh how I know, but it gets easier. Life gets better. YOU are worth the air you breath, YOU are not a waste of space, and YOU are worth! Never hurt yourself to stop the pain. YOU are need. I am still here 50 years later, he didn’t win, I DID!”
When I first read her message, my heart ached for her. I cannot understand what she must have and still feels. I have been through my own struggles. My biological father isn’t someone I would brag about. He is a liar, a disappointment, and a hurtful person. He always lets me down, and I barely hear from him. I have been told how awful I am. You see, my dad liked to play the mental warfare game. He liked to play games with your mind. I would cry a lot from the hurt and think what is wrong with me. It led to a lack of confidence and trust issues, I just assumed everyone was going to disappointment me in the end. It wasn’t until I was 26 that I finally said enough! This is my life and you will no longer do this to me. He is the screw up NOT me!
We all have our own struggles, and some may seem bigger than others. But to the person they are affecting, it is a heavy boulder on their shoulders. Please reach and out and talk. If anyone reading this needs advice or wants to talk to someone who will not judge and who doesn’t know their personal life, feel free to message me, everything is confidential.
If you are having suicidal thoughts please call the suicide hotline, they can help!
Please always remember; you are worth all the jewels in the world, you are indomitable, you are superman or Wonder Woman, you are a light in someones darkness, you have a beautiful soul, GOD loves you, and you always have someone who will listen.
Have a blessed day xo